I Am a Character in a Fyodor Dostoevsky Novel

Going over some poetry I had written in college I found a piece I wrote about Fyodor Dostoevsky and how I used to read him in high school. Sometimes I wondered if I would have made it through high school without him.

Dostoevsky was a Russian writer in the mid 1800's and while I did not wholly understand the intricate play of ideas and the complex phrases, I sensed a strong, true purpose behind the words and I felt that I almost understood. I could follow the plot fairly well too. I remember my first encounter with him. It was toward the end of ninth grade and I didn't have many friends, I was extremely self conscious and I felt this burning desire to call something mine. While I had a great family and a small group of really great friends I felt estranged from them, as though I could not call them my own, but only that we were present together. I did like to read, but I had never really read anything outside the Harry Potter series and a few other fantasy books. Then one day I was sitting in my friend Tony's basement,  he tossed me Notes from the Underground off his pool table and told me to "read something great." I did, I read it twice.

There was something in Notes from the Underground that was as self conscious as I was, as scared as I was and as longing as I was. The novel is split up into two parts. The first part is the writings of an unnamed narrator who has gone underground, away from society. There is nothing fantastic about it though, it isn't some banal desire for a more deliberate life like Into the Wild, but it isn't a retreat either. There is some sort of real fear there, masked by intelligible, but somewhat depraved philosophy. Next was Crime and Punishment, which seemed to showcase an inflated version of my desire to call something I did my own action. Finally, there was The Brothers Karamasov, the greatest book I have ever read. It's hard to explain what the Brothers K was able to do for me in high school, but essentially it gave me an identity I can never lose. I will never stop identifying with every character in that book and exactly what they had to go through. This identity was something I could call mine, I didn't have to be self conscious any more, I could be self aware. Reading this book instilled into me a stubborn confidence that was far from perfect, but was at least enough for me to grasp until those early years of high school were over. I imagine I was pretty insufferable, but in the end it was worth it.

In 1849, Dostoevsky was arrested and condemned to death. He was even brought in front of a firing squad. At the last minute, his life was saved and he was released. I would imagine that to be very terrifying, but I wonder if Dostoevsky knew he had saved my life in high school, if he would have thought the whole thing to be worth it.

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit"

I Am a Character in a Fyodor Dostoevsky Novel

Madness and Disease creep hand in hand
down a hallway littered with bloody kerchiefs
soot covered jackets and the many white faces
of men and women limpid against the wall
But I am not there
I am staring in a mirror
Staring back at me is a painfully skinny 9th grader
his clearly visible rib cage stains his self confidence

And that 9th grader with his plebian tastes
thought he was better than everyone because he
could read Dostoyevsky
He fancied he was the object of envy
This helps him get through 9th grade without a girlfriend
without guy friends
without sports
without a single extra curricular activity

Godlessness takes the shape of an opaque turquoise
fog settling over St. Petersburg  
Poverty dances with the children
Worthlessness dwells in every wrinkle
pockmark and scar that Life has branded Russia’s people with
But I am not there
I am staring in a mirror
Staring back at me is an anonymous narrator
ashamed of his post-pubescent body
but proud to know the only literature that
suffered as much as he did